Marriage & Knitting

Tonight I saw Stephen Sondheim's Company. Anyone who knows anything about Sondheim's lyrics knows that he's really a pyscho-therapist, who thinks he's a songwriter, and happens to write complex songs about the very complex human condition. Company is about the human need for one another, yet recognizing how annoying, frustrating, and sometimes disillusioning marriage can be. Why do we choose to get involved in something in which we lose our identities, find ourselves compromising, and wind up generally not getting exactly what we want? I find it quite similar to knitting a sweater (especially since I had to rip out two rows of the Jaeger Luxury Tweed cable sweater).

I came home after the play and picked up Knitting Rules by Stephanie Pearl-McPhee and started reading the "Ten Reasons to Knit a Sweater". I realized that it is not unlike a commitment to marriage. (Forgive me, Stephanie, for horribly mis-using your words.)

1. It's a commitment. Sure, you hear that all your life, but sometimes it's hard to remember in the midst of chaos. When things get really screwed up, you have to remind yourself that you've MADE A COMMITMENT. Both require lots of time, a fair amount of money and "stick-to-it-ness" even when you're so annoyed you wish to run over it with the car.
2. It's an upgrade from an accessory. It certainly is different than having a boyfriend/girlfriend, or a fiance . . .or a scarf. A life-partner/ husband /wife . . . that's a whole different kind of upgrade. Now you have life insurance, health insurance, mortgages, on-going sleeping arrangements, shared bathroom habits, likes and dislikes, perhaps kids . . . these things make it much more complicated than the simple accessory.
3. You could spend a lifetime exploring all the variations. We only hope we can spend a lifetime experiencing the variations. Being creatures of habit, often the variations cause huge frustration. With a sweater you can put it aside. I find that it's much more difficult to do that with marriage.
4. Once you get the hang of it . . .it is possible for you to have garments (a relationship) that actually fits. I have friends who have been married a long time. They seem to have found a way to make it "fit". I have days when my marriage fits perfectly. I have days when it fits like a bad polyester leisure suit. I'm still working on the "hang of it."
5. There's a style for everyone. I BELIEVE THIS WITH ALL MY HEART. There is someone for everyone, and there are all kinds of marriages, just like there are all kinds of sweaters. We just need to find the type of marriage (relationship)that works for each us and get out there and find it. Just be careful not get sucked into the current fashion. Current fashion is fun, but doesn't stand the test of time. It took me until my '30's to realize this. I still struggle with this in sweaters . . .and marriage.
6. When a sweater (relationship) goes wrong . . . (it) never stops being funny. I wish we all had a better sense of humor about what goes wrong in our relationships. Perhaps there wouldn't be so many bitter ex's. (I know there are bitter knitters when it comes to "a sweater gone bad".) I like that about Sondheim . . .he finds the humor. I wish to laugh about my former marriage and "along with" this one..
7. A sweater's a big canvas. I believe my marriage is a big canvas. I have the opporunity to paint whatever picture I chose. I chose to paint: happy, peaceful, healthy, open, funny, easy-going, connected, content and loving. I have never achieved all of those on the same day, or in the same year. . .but I still paint that picture in my mind.
8. A ( . . .sweater) is the fastest high a knitter can achieve. When a relationship is REALLY GOOD, it is one of the biggest highs a person can achieve. There's nothing like knowing that you have someone who cares that you come home at night, is your best friend, is your biggest cheerleader, who disagrees with you, but won't walk out the door. There's nothing like creating something that fits beautifully . . .whether it be a marriage or a sweater.
9. A sweater project offers variety. I think that the happiest marriages find a way to bring variety in their relationships. (I find that variety outside of the relationship often leads to "being bitter". . . see #6 above.) I don't just mean sex (but that's part of it). I mean finding ways to know each other better and finding things that excite both people (like a Sondhiem musical, sharing blogs, traveling . . . or thank Heaven . . KNITTING). Again, you can change projects when you are bored with what you're knitting, but it's harder in a relationship once you've become bored, because you've MADE A COMMITMENT.
10. A sweater affords the scientific-minded a chance to experience the phenomenon of the Knitting (Marriage) Black Hole. I've experienced both "black holes". I am guessing that most people, who knit (sweaters or anything complex) and are in marriages (or whatever you call your committed relationship), know what I mean. Trying to explain it is difficult. But once you've experienced the black hole, you know it. Everyone who's ever knitted a sweater knows that feeling of a dropped stitch that you didn't see till rows and rows later. Marriage is a bit like that . . .sometimes the things you screw up don't come to the forefront until days or weeks later. Either way, you got to back up and mend or make amends.

The last reason, #10, ends on a down note . . . I don't like ending on a down note. Like a good musical, I like to end with an up-note.

There are reasons why we knit . . .and why we get married or are in committed relationships. Sonheim say's best:

"MAKE ME CONFUSED,
MOCK ME WITH PRAISE,
LET ME BE USED
VARY MY DAYS . . .
(SOMETHING)TO PULL YOU UP SHORT,
(SOMETHING)TO PUT YOU THROUGH HELL,
AND GIVE YOU SUPPORT IS BEING ALIVE." (You can listen.)

What I do know is that it's a lot like knitting a Jaeger Luxury Tweed sweater.