GREAT OLYMPIC MOMENTS IN KNITTING HISTORY

We welcome the world to Anderson Township for tonight’s opening ceremony of the 2006 Knitting Olympics. The Anderson Twp. Knitting Olympic Committee spent more than an hour this afternoon preparing for tonight’s ceremonies. We have spared no expense to ensure the comfort and security of all Olympic Knitters and their pets. We even ran the vacuum twice.

As this will be the first time many of you have participated in Olympic Knitting, the committee felt it was important for you to have a greater appreciation of the magnitude of this event. So, we took valuable time that could have been used for napping to create this commemorative booklet and beer coaster entitled “Great Moments in Olympic Knitting History.”

Enjoy tonight’s opening ceremony and good luck in the competition. And remember our Olympic Knitting Motto which was written just a few hours ago: “Win or lose, the most important thing is that you leave by 10:30… 11 at the latest because we’re really tired.”

Great Moments in Olympic Knitting History
The inaugural Knitting Olympics was held in 1887 at Moose Lodge 487 outside of Sandusky, Ohio. More than 25 women came together to compare knitting skills, share homemade cookie recipes and bitch about their “good for nothing husbands.” What began as a lazy Sunday afternoon activity by the Mothers of Moose Lodge 487, has now grown into a quadrennial international event that happens every four years, give or take. Today, the Knitting Olympics will play host to more than 5,000 knitters representing more than 50 countries, including Kentucky. The Knitting Olympics has grown into one of the premiere events in the hobby and craft world, surpassed only by the Boston Macramé Marathon and the annual StencilStock Festival and Pig Roast outside of Nashville.

To commemorate the opening ceremony of the 2006 Anderson Twp Knitting Olympics, the country’s leading web-site for knitting, Whogivesaknit.com, has compiled this list of the most memorable moments in Olympic Knitting history:

1938: Winds of War
On the heels of Poland’s infamous “Argyll Incident” in1937, the 1938 Knitting Olympics came to Berlin under a cloud of mounting international tension and a shortage of yarn. The ’38 Knitting Olympics were hosted by Eva Braun, the seamstress and mistress of German leader Adolph Hitler, and great grandmother of famous American TV personality Rob Braun. Led by 4-time World Doily Champion, Frau Marta Hess, the powerful German team was expected to dominate the ’38 Olympics. But those ’38 games ultimately belonged to America’s Jessie Lynn Owens of Harlem’s Mt. Zion Baptist Church. Owens, the first African American to participate in the Knitting Olympics, won four gold medals during the two-week event for a Looped Coat, Floral Jacket, Reversible Bag and a fabulous Cable Throw. Owen’s performance single-handedly humiliated the great German squad and ruined Braun’s dream of world knitting dominance for the German’s. Following the closing ceremony, Braun returned home and badgered her lover to invade Poland… but only after he finished cleaning out the garage.

1962: It’s a Man’s, Man’s, Man’s, Man’s World
The ’62 Knitting Olympics in Lubbock, Texas will always be remembered for the breakthrough performance of America’s first male knitting star, Dick Buttonhole. Long-embraced on the International stage, men were increasingly frustrated by their inability to break through the hated “scrotum barrier” that existed in American knitting circles. Peoria's Buttonhole was something of a knitting prodigy, having first “cast on” at the age of two. He became a legend in Peoria during his freshman year in high school when he crocheted all 50 uniforms for the school’s football team in just two weeks. In the face of intense pressure from the leading female knitters of the day, Buttonhole earned a place on the ’62 U.S. team and went on to win three gold medals. His historic Olympic performance was punctuated by a breathtaking “Cap Shaping Bind Off 3 (3,3,4,5) sts. At beg of next two rows-57 (61,65,69,71) sts.” In 1980, Buttonhole because the first male to be enshrined in the Olympic Knitting Hall of Fame at Moose lodge 487 outside of Sandusky, Ohio.

1968: Terror Casts On Wheeling
On the morning of June 12th, 1968 the knitting world awoke to a crisis that would rock the foundation of the Knitting Olympics for years to come. Five Methodist extremists from Tacoma, Washington disguised as Lawrence Welk and The Andrews Sisters slipped past Al, the night watchman at the Wheeling Community Center, and took control of the knitting supply and refreshment room. The extremists, who dubbed themselves The Thread Brigade, placed second in the Tacoma Ecumenical Knit-Off, thus failing to earn a place on the ’68 U.S. Olympic Knitting squad. Through Al, the night watchman at the Wheeling Community Center and newly named spokesman for the Thread Brigade, the group issued a statement saying they would discharge 10 skeins of Rowan Chunky Print Corinthian 083 every hour if they were not added to the U.S. team. The tense, three-hour stand-off ended peacefully when Clyde Vanderhoven, husband of Thread Brigade leader Millie Vanderhoven, called to remind her that they needed to be at the Reinhoff’s that night for their 7PM Canasta game… and that he was a tad hungry and wondered what was for dinner. Based on the events of the ’68 Wheeling Knitting Olympics, the International Olympic Knitting Committee (IOKC) made major revisions to its security efforts, adding at least a second night watchman for all subsequent Knitting Olympic events.

1980: From Russia With Love
The 1980 Wilkes Barre Knitting Olympics began under a cloud of international tension on the heels of Russia’s invasion of Afghanistan. A number of country’s, including Greenland and Cleveland pulled out of the ’80 games. The remaining country’s, at the suggestion of the IOKC, joined together in a show of support for Afghanistan by refusing to participate in the Advanced Afghan competition. The stage was set for a “Cold War Stitch Off” between the U.S. and the mighty Soviet Union team, coached by Sergi Petrovic, known throughout the knitting world as “The Baron of the Babushka.” Inexplicably, two days prior to the opening ceremonies, Petrovic announced that he was leaving the team to be with his lover and future wife, Liza, a 162 pound Rambouillet Sheep. Petrovic met Liza during the Soviet Knitting Team’s World Tour. “We were in New Zealand” Petrovic recalled. “We were in the team bus passing a large herd of Rambouillets and I happened to notice one of the sheep staring in my direction. I stopped the bus and introduced myself to Liza and fell head over hoof in love with her. I tried to wean myself off of her but soon realized that every moment was shear delight… and I didn’t want to be without her.” Petrovic’s sudden departure devastated the Soviet Knitting Team, resulting in a stunning fifth place Olympic finish. Petrovic and Liza married and settled in New Zealand where they have stayed active on the international knitting scene; he as a much-sought-after coach and she as an internet entrepreneur with her popular web-site: ewecanknittoo.com

1984: The Attack!
In a story that shook the knitting world, Team America’s captain and national knitting champion, Nancy Cardigan, was brutally attacked as she left Wilma’s Wool and Wicker Hut in Bethesda, MD. Olympic officials, working in conjunction with the cast of Law and Order DSU (Dropped Stitch Unit) traced the attack weapon, an Addi Turbo 20 inch JumpFlex needle, back to Cardigan’s chief U.S. rival, Tonya Hardly. Hardly confessed to masterminding the attack, saying she became increasingly despondent over Cardigan’s selection as team captain. Though not injured in the attack, Cardigan was really annoyed and decided not to attend the ’84 Knitting Olympics in Duluth. Hardly ultimately left knitting and went into pornography, starring in more than 20 films, including the 1989 cult classic “Knit One, Feel Me Too.”

1998: Extreme Competition
Olympic Knitting competition has traditionally been dominated by women from America’s Bible Belt, Denmark and Croatia. These countries have maintained a stranglehold on the Olympics, ensuring little in the way of change or innovation. However, with changing demographics, power within the knitting establishment began to shift from the traditionalists to a new breed of younger, more rebellious, more attention-challenged knitting elite. The power shift became complete during the ’98 Knitting Olympic games held in the trendy Buckhead section of Atlanta. A number of new events bowed during the Buckhead games, including Xtreme Speed Knitting, Xtreme Knitting Combined (knit one, purl two, shoot at a moving target with a high powered rifle) and Xtreme Downhill Knitting. New names entered the ranks of the knitting elite, such as Mildred Ono and Bodina Wasserstein. With the passing of the ’98 Buckhead games, the face of international Olympic Knitting changed forever.

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